i wish i had kept count of how many times i’ve been asked “what was it like to start over again after your divorce?”. honestly, it wasn’t that bad. i placed emphasis on “that” because there is life after divorce; divorce was not going to disappoint my life. after the split from my ex-husband, I decided to make dating easy and non-stressful. with all that comes with dating, it can be stressful and a headache and that’s something that i would not take myself through.
so my initial approach to dating was to be care-free, non-committal and me being the one in control, especially with my emotions and hormones! hell, i just got out of a marriage – there was no way i wanted to seek out another husband anytime soon. no pressure, no pain. personally, i think we (women) go about dating a little backwards.
what do i mean? glad you asked! i understand there’s an internal clock that is ticking so loud that you wonder if others can hear it. then there’s the need for companionship or wanting to share a life with someone. i get it. all of those desires are well deserving, but are you ready?
immediately after my split, i laid in my bed, on my back, and asked God to work on me. just that simple. see, i learned early on in life that we love to complain and talk about what someone else is doing wrong, but we rarely want to look at ourselves. we go on in life trying to cover up our ugly truths to remain spotless. so, soon after my request, God completely ripped me to shreds in the most loving and awesome way that He knows how. allow me to say this, although it was done in love, it was a hard pill to swallow!
some of you may be asking how does this relate to beauty? love is a beautiful abyss that sometimes is an indescribable feeling that has a way of making everything good; kinda like your favorite lip stick by mac. love is beauty, but something that is intended to be adorned can get ugly really quick if it’s not done properly – kinda like eyeliner!
so i have a few tips on getting yourself ready for dating. before the real dating begins, you must pre-date. pre-date = dating yourself. these are my personal tips and they were very useful in my process of getting to know the woman i was, the one i was becoming and the woman i am today. my desire, for those of you who are in the season of singleness, is for the tips to be just as helpful and resourceful to you as they were for me.
1. look at yourself completely naked. this means no make-up or under garments. get eye-to-eye with your truth…. being naked is liberating and freeing. we cover our truths up from ourselves and start living lies. get free!
2. while you’re naked, look at your shape and health. your health is the key. everyone shouldn’t be a size 6, but everyone should be healthy and vibrant! i began working out daily and started seeing results. that was a real ego and confidence booster!
3. pick up a new hobby or two. cooking became one of mine! i became so enthralled with gourmet cuisines and fine ingredients, i didn’t have a space in my mind to think about being alone. you want to do something that will keep your attention from the outside world or your inner thoughts of being lonely. also, your new hobby will add as a great conversational piece on a date!
4. read up on what’s going on in your city. becoming familiar with your town is a great way to learn where to hang out at with your friends.
5. write a list (sounds corny, but it works!). think of all the things that you like about yourself and all the things you need to change. this list is to help you become more confident, yet less controlling at the same time. we’re so quick to vocalize our list of what we do and don’t want from someone else without checking our track record and making sure we are in order.
for example, my list went a little something like this
i love my honesty….
i need to not be controlling
control my temper
6. career driven? great, but free your schedule up every once in a while to make time for your children, girlfriends and/or social events. this way you will be a little more disciplined with time management. i love hanging out with my children, but i thought that it would be cool to incorporate a day during the week to commit to and call it “date night”. my children would come home every friday after school and get showered and dressed up to hit the town with me. we still have our dates, they are just on sundays now instead of fridays!
7. stack and save your money, honey! if you haven’t already, create a financial goal and plan for yourself. it’s okay to start small, just start!
8. is there a hair style you’ve wanted to try? how about a facial or skin care regimen? are you wanting to grow your natural nails out or do you have a fungus in your big toe nail that you’re getting treated? well, this is the time to get all of those things in order. it is perfectly fine to glam yourself up. try to reinvent your look with a new hair style, arch your brows, wear color on your nails. just have fun.
the intent of pre-dating is to learn yourself all over again. as we age our tastes and likes change, or at least they should. learning to explore the world around you will not only give you leverage in the dating world, but it will have you falling in love with one of the most important people in your world – you!
i hope this was insightful and helpful. continue to email me and leave your comments! email@example.com
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